ALF. Season 1, episode 10 (uncut version)

[CHATTERING ON TV]
What can I tell you, Kathy?
My parents aren't home yet.
Oh, don't worry,
I'm going to get the car.
They already said I could use it.
Uh-huh.
No, I promise we won't miss
the concert. Bye.
- If we miss that concert...
- Unbelievable.
I know. They're an hour late.
No. I'm talking about
Wall St. Week in Review.
This guy is sitting there...
...with a straight face
talking about gold...
...like it's valuable or something.
Well, gold is valuable.
- And so is time.
- You're kidding.
You may not believe this,
but on Melmac...
...gold is worthless.
On Melmac,
the most valuable thing is foam.
- Foam?
- Yeah.
My Great-Uncle Shumway once said:
"I'm heading out West.
There's foam in them thar hills."	Mark Twain’s character Mulberry Sellers said the phrase “There’s gold in them thar hills” and “there’s millions in it.”
Well, foam is almost worthless here.
- What about gravel?	gravel = small pieces of stone used for making paths and roads
- Gravel's cheap too.
Huh.
- Wax?
- Yep.
Boy.
ALF, I got some more lint	lint = very small pieces of hair, dust, or cloth that stick together or to the surface of something else
for you to save.
Dump it.	dump = throw away
Kathy, I told you I'd call you
the minute they got home.
Fine, if it'll make you feel better,
go stand by the curb. Bye.	curb (American English) kerb (British English) = the edge of a pavement that is nearest to the road
Hey, even silver has value.
[CAR APPROACHING]
That's them. See you later, ALF.
Oh, no. It's a tow truck.	tow truck = a truck used for pulling away another vehicle that has stopped working
I didn't order any toes.	ALF says this because the word “tow” sounds like “toe”
The car broke down again.	break down = if a machine or vehicle breaks down, it stops working
So, what's the connection to toes?
- Mom, Dad, what happened to the car?
- It's the engine.
- And the differential.
- And the brakes.
ALF, you go in the kitchen,
the tow truck driver's coming in.
- He's helping us bring in the groceries.
- Then who's bringing in the toes?
Just go.
- Well, there go my concert plans.
WILLIE: I'm sorry, Lynn.
We're as upset about this as you are.
Seems like my friends are always driving me.
When it's my turn to drive,
something always happens.
I'd like to be more sympathetic...	sympathetic = kind to someone who has a problem and willing to understand how they feel
...but ice cream
is melting on my shoe.
Sorry. I'll call Kathy and cancel.
[LYNN SIGHS]
Sorry about my tow truck breaking down.
What do you suppose
the odds were on that one?	the odds = the chances of something happening
- Uh, just set those down anywhere.
- That's okay.
- I'll carry them right into the kitchen.
- Uh, no!
Uh...
We like to unload our own groceries.
It's kind of a family thing.
I know what you mean.
We're the same way.
Well, how much do I owe you then, Bert?
Well, the tow was 49.
But then I owe you
63.50 for the new battery.
- Ooh.
- Of course, your wife sat on my glasses.
So, uh, let's see, uh...
Carry the four...	carry is a term used in elementary arithmetic: "6 and 6 is 12, put down the 2 and carry the 1; 1 and 2 is 3, and 3 is 6."
- Call it 50 bucks.
- But who owes who?
[LAUGHS]
That's a good one. Cash will be fine.
Here you go.
I hate taking this money from you.
You're gonna have to shell out plenty to get that car fixed.	shell out = to spend a lot of money on something
How much do you think it'll be?
Well, you're looking at a couple
of grand to repair the engine...	grand = a thousand dollars
...and another deuce	deuce = two dollars
for the differential.
Plus your tires are shot.	tire (American English) tyre (British English) = a thick rubber cover that fits round the wheel of a bicycle, car, or other vehicle “the tires are shot” means they are worn and it is not safe to use them
That's gotta run you, uh...
Carry the four...
I think we get the picture.
And also, you may want to consider
a new set of brake pads.	brake pad = the part of a brake that presses against a disc inside the wheel of a vehicle in order to stop the vehicle from moving
We should have never towed you
with the emergency on.	emergency brake in a car is a handbrake = the piece of equipment in a car that you pull with your hand to keep the car still after it has stopped
My mistake.
You're too kind.
BERT: I'm sorry,
I got a grease spot on the carpet.	grease = a thick substance similar to oil, used on machine parts for making them work smoothly
Oh, no, no. I'm sure
that this will take care of it.
- My fault. A little cleaning.
Thanks again. See you, Bert.
You can come out now, ALF.
Well, I've canceled
my concert plans.
But before I go into my room
and listen to the Pretenders on tape...	the Pretenders are an English-American rock band formed in Hereford, England, in March 1978.
...instead of seeing them in person,
I'd like to say...
...that I wish we had a second car.
Have a nice evening.
Why don't you buy her one, Willie?
- What?
- A car.
Spring for it.	spring for smth = to pay for someone else’s share of something: I’ll spring for dinner tonight
We can't afford to spring for a car.
Now is the time.
Four-point-eight financing
on every Chevy in stock.	Chevy = Chevrolet
On approval of credit, of course.
I believe our credit was used up
in the repair to the roof of our garage.
Which had been damaged,
I believe, by an errant spaceship.	errant = travelling in the wrong direction
Thanks for not naming names.
Willie, what if
we kicked in a little money...	kick in = to give something, especially money
...to add to what Lynn has saved
and let her buy a used car?
Well, I don't know.
We'd have to talk about it, that's all.
You have ice cream on your shoes.
- Who has my Pretenders tape?
- Oh, it's in my Walkman.	Walkman is a Sony brand tradename originally used for portable audio cassette/tape players in the late 1970s.
I use it to do my aerobics.
Lynn, how much money do you
have in your savings account?
About $ 150.
What if we kicked in 150 with that?
What kind of car would that buy?
A stolen one.
You guys would go in halves with me on a car?	go halves = to share the cost of something with someone so that you each pay 50%: If we’re going halves, we can afford to buy something really nice
We could do that, as long as we were sure...
...it would amount to enough
to buy a safe one.
Well, I could get a part-time job
to earn more.
There's an opening	opening = a job that needs a person to do it: We have several openings in the sales division.
at Mr. Jim's Chicken and Oysters.
We had a Mr. Jim's on Melmac.
But instead of chicken and oysters,
it was dogs and...
Don't say it, ALF! Don't!
Why? It's not the same Mr. Jim.
The one I knew is in prison.
He got caught
substituting hamburger for collie.	substitute = to remove one thing and put something else in its place
You said it.
Said what?
Well, so what do you think, Dad?
I think that's one of the most
repugnant things I can imagine.	repugnant = extremely unpleasant or offensive
No, no, I mean, can I get a job?
Honey, do you think that you can
handle a job and go to school?
You're not exactly
getting straight A's.	A is a mark that a teacher gives to a student’s work to show that it is excellent
All the more reason to start a career.
Nobody asked you.
Well, if I had to wait for an invitation,
I'd never speak.
I'll put away the groceries.
How many more questions
are there on this stupid test?
Five more on chicken
and three more on oysters.
Oh, and there's a two-part essay on citizenship.
I'm so tired.
Is it really worth all this trouble
just to get a jalopy to drive around in?	jalopy = an old car that is in bad condition
Yes, ALF.
I want a car more than anything.
Then, you better get cracking here	get cracking = to start doing something or going somewhere immediately: We’ll have to get cracking if we want to get there before dark.
if you want to be wearing...
...Mr. Jim's feather and shell insignia.	insignia = a mark or sign that shows someone’s rank or status, or what organization they belong to
- All right, what's the next question?
- All right.
"Question 126:
While preparing the Cluck 'n' Shuck Combo...
...the chicken should be...
...A, breaded...	bread = coat food with breadcrumbs before cooking: bread the chicken and fry it in oil.
...B, baked...
...C, washed."
I'll go with C, washed.	go with = choose
[IMITATES BUZZER]
Wrong.
The answer is A, breaded.
- You're not supposed to wash them?
- According to Mr. Jim...
...chickens wash themselves.
Don't wash chickens.
Don't wash chickens.
- Okay.
- All right. Question 127:
"An oyster should be thrown out when...
...A, it turns brown...
...B, it turns black...
...C, it turns over."
That's right. Take your time.	Take your time. = Don’t be in a hurry.
Think before you answer.
Lynn?
Lynn?
Yo, Lynn?
I'm gonna guess brown.
- Lynn, I thought you might like...
ALF: Shh.
- She's asleep.
- Oh.
- Poor thing.
- You're killing her, Kate.
She can't work and go to school
at the same time.
You're robbing her of her youth...
...just because
you won't spring for a car.
[SNIFFING]
Is that cocoa?
I can't believe
you're saying that to me.
Why not? It smells like cocoa.
Right, it's cocoa.
Let's get back to this car thing.
Now, we made a deal with Lynn.
We'll contribute half,
she's to earn the other half.
But it is cocoa.
- Yes, it is.
- I knew it.
Do you want the cocoa, ALF?
- Are there marshmallows in it?	marshmallow = a soft pink or white sweet with a thick round shape
- No.
- Pass.
- Fine.
But some hot coffee would be nice.
I guess she didn't hear me.
Here you are, sir.
The Pullet and Gullet Platter.	pullet = a chicken that is less than a year old gullet = the tube in your body that carries food from your throat to your stomach platter = a meal with a particular type of food, served on a large plate in a restaurant: a seafood platter
- Chicken on the half shell for the lady.	on the half shell = of raw shellfish, served in the bottom shell, chilled and with condiments
- Thank you.
And oyster dog
and a Mr. Jim's game card for you.	game card = (scratch card) a small card with a substance on its surface that you scratch off to find out whether you have won a prize
- What do I do?
- You scratch off three oysters...	scratch off = remove surface by scratching
...and win a pack of cigarettes.
Uh, which is the chicken
and which is the oyster, then?
- This tastes like fish.
- Then that's the chicken.
You did everything right, Lynn.
It looks fine.
And you served it beautifully.
I just don't think
I'm really all that hungry right now.
You don't have to be nice, Dad.
That was the worst thing I ever ate.
I just serve it, buster.	buster = an impolite word used when talking to a man whose name you do not know, especially someone you are annoyed with: Get lost, buster!
We're supposed to say that.
I'm gonna go change.	change = change the clothes
I won! I won!
Menthol Lights.
I'll take that.
You know, Willie,
Lynn hasn't said anything to me.
But she's been so good
about this whole thing.
Maybe we should let her buy a car.
She could pay us back little by little.
Gosh, Kate. I thought we decided.
I think it's important
that she sees this thing through.	sees this thing through = to recognize that something is not true and not be tricked by it
Mm, something smells good.
You can have mine.
Later.
- Where's Lynn?
KATE: Um, she's changing. Why?
You'll find out in a minute.
- Lynn?
LYNN: Yeah?
Got something for you.
Meet me in the garage.
Bye.
What has he done?
Maybe nothing.
Maybe.
What's going on? ALF?
ALF:
Out here.
I've got a surprise for you.
LYNN:
What is it?
ALF:
I'll give you a hint.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
[LYNN GASPS]
It's a car.
Hmm. You didn't need a hint.
ALF stole a car.
I didn't steal it. I bought it.
For Lynn.
I don't believe it.
It would've been here last week,
but I held out for red.	hold out for smth = to not accept an offer because you want a better one: They’ve been holding out for an even higher price. ALF waited for a week to get a red car delivered for him.
I don't believe it.
It's true. Everybody wants red.
ALF, how did you buy this car?
I got it through my broker.
Broker? What broker?
The one I hired to sell the gold
from my spaceship.
Wait, wait, wait.
Let's just take this one step at a time.
You bought a car?
Yes. The papers are in that envelope.
You have gold?
Had gold.
All the plumbing on my ship was gold.	plumbing = the system of pipes, water tanks, and other equipment used for supplying and storing water in a building
Except for the bidet.	bidet /ˈbiːdeɪ/ = a large bowl in a bathroom that you sit on to wash your bottom
That was platinum.
Uh-huh.
ALF, this is the most wonderful present
anyone has ever given me.
Aw, you're just saying that.
No! No, I mean it.
It's incredible.
"Schecter, Cosay & Klein.
Investment Brokers.
Dear ALF, congratulations.
Or should I say, congratulazione.
I've sold the balance of your gold
and will invest the proceeds...	proceeds = money that a person or organization makes from selling or winning something, or from organizing an event or activity: The proceeds will go to the school for refugee children.
...in that mango farm in Oxnard.	Oxnard /ˈɒksnɑːrd/ is a city in the United States, located along the coast of Southern California
All the best. Joel."
Look at this interior.
The dashboard is burled mahogany...	burled wood mahogany = a hard brown-red wood, used for making furniture
...grown in the Ferrari family's private arboretum.	arboretum = a place where trees are grown so that they can be studied
And check out these wheels.	check out = to examine someone or something in order to be certain that everything is correct, true, or satisfactory
Chrome. From Rome.
Oh, feel this leather.
Virgin ox. Albino virgin.
Oh, my gosh.
Willie, look, a cellular phone.
Programmed for speed dialing.	speed dial = a function on some telephones which allows numbers to be entered into a memory and dialed with the push of a single button
Come on, Willie,
park your carcass on that virgin ox.	park your carcass = sit down
LYNN: Yeah, come on, Dad.
BRIAN: Yeah, Dad. Park it.
Yeah? No, no. I'm not...
I'm not getting in that car. I can't.
ALF...
...we're not keeping the car.
LYNN: What?
Why not, Dad?
Yeah, Willie, how come?
Because it's wrong.
Because it's wrong.
Why don't we just needlepoint that into a sampler?	ALF says this because Willie keeps telling the same phrase. A needlepoint (needlework) sampler is a piece of embroidery produced as a demonstration or test of skill in needlework. It often includes the alphabet, figures, motifs, decorative borders.
Look, we are not keeping a car
that cost 60,000...
- Ninety.
WILLIE: Ninety thou...
Ninety-thousand dollars.
What's bugging you, Willie?	bugging = worry
Is it that your daughter
drives a better car than you do?
That has nothing to do with it.
We're returning this car. Call Joel.
I can't.
He's in Palm Springs till Thursday.
Dad, please.
I'll let you drive my car anytime you want.
You wanna see how the Gucci airbag works?	airbag = a bag in a car that immediately fills with air if the car crashes, to protect the driver and passengers
It's obvious we cannot
have a rational conversation...
...in the presence of a Ferrari.
All right, we'll go to the kitchen.
No, we'll go into the kitchen.
You stay here.
Come on, Lynn.
- Don't touch that airbag.
- Fine.
I'll just preset the radio.
[CHUCKLES]
Joel.
I know what you're thinking.
I'm the ogre.	ogre = a cruel and frightening person
- I'm the wet blanket.	wet blanket = someone who spoils other people’s fun by being negative and complaining
- Willie, no one is thinking that.
- I am.
- Me too.
I see.
Dad, you're not being fair.
The car was a gift.
No, no, no.
A gift is a tie tack,	tie tack m= a piece of jewellery that a man wears to keep his tie in place
a pen and pencil set.
Maybe a bowl.	bowl = a vase
We have all of those.
We need a car.
I think we're losing sight of what we agreed on here.
That things are appreciated more
when they're earned...
...not when they're just handed to us.
There's no way
I could appreciate this more.
I'm sorry, Lynn. I'm sorry.
I just don't think a 16-year-old girl
should have a $90,000 Ferrari.
Unless she is a professional tennis player.
I'm not above taking tennis lessons.	above = if you are above a particular type of behaviour, you are such a morally good person that you would not behave in that way: Jack was cheating? I thought he was above that sort of thing.
I don't think that's what he meant.
I'm afraid the car is going back.
This is insane. We're actually gonna
give back a free Ferrari.
Yes, we are. First thing tomorrow.	first thing (in the morning) = at the very beginning of the day: I rang them first thing this morning.
But Joel's in Palm Springs.
I'll talk to Schecter, I'll talk to Klein, it doesn't matter.
Lynn, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about this, but this is the way I feel.
And I think in time,
you'll come to respect my decision.
It may not be today.
Obviously, it won't be today.
It won't be tomorrow, either.
[ENGINE REVS]
- Willie?
- Oh, no, no.
This is not happening.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Oh, my God!
ALF laid rubber!	laid rubber = to spin one's car tires when accelerating, leaving black marks on the street
He's gone.
There's an alien out there on the road
somewhere in a red Ferrari.
Maybe no one will notice.
What do we do, Dad?
We can't call the police.
- We can't call the auto club.
- We can't even call Joel.
He couldn't have gotten very far.
Kate, that car goes 180 miles an hour.
He could be in Mexico by now.
We've got no choice.
We've got to call the police.
[PHONE RINGING]
- Hello?
- All right. I'm gonna go out.
I'm gonna go next door to try to borrow Trevor's car.
- Dad, it's for you.
- Not now.
Tell whoever it is I'll call them back later.
He's gonna have to call you back later, ALF.
ALF! ALF!
Willie, my man, I gotta tell you...
...this thing flies like the wind.
Where are you? What happened?
I don't know.
All I did was turn the engine on.
Before I knew it,
I was on the freeway.	freeway = a wide fast road in a US city that you do not pay to use
- What freeway?
- The one headed for 0xnard.
Hey, while I'm there,
I think I'll check out that mango farm.
Forget the mango farm!
That's easy for you to say.
You're not a limited partner.
Nice move, buddy!
Yeah? You're another one!
Willie, where is he?
He's on his way to Oxnard. Oxnard.
ALF. ALF, pull off the road,	pull off = stop by the side of the road
pull the car off the road.
I can't. I'm in the fast lane.	in the fast lane = in the the outer lane on a road, used by vehicles travelling fastest
Although you'd never know it
by the way these clowns are driving.
Come on, lady. This ain't a parade!
ALF, don't yell at the other drivers.
- They'll see you.
- No way.
I'm driving too fast.
Hey, ever hear of a turn signal?
Just look, ALF, listen to me.
Look at the road signs...
...try to find out...
Look at exactly where you are.
Well, I just passed a Motel 6.
Hey, they're having a beekeepers convention.	beekeeper = a person who keeps bees convention = a meeting that a lot of people belonging to a particular profession or organization go to in order to discuss things
Ouch. Ow, ow, ow!
- Gotta go.
- Tell me.
- Tell me where you are.
- 0kay. 0kay. I'm right near the...
[STATIC CRACKLING]
ALF? ALF?
- Disconnected.
- Oh, no!
Look, I can't give you any more information.
I just need to know which one of your motels...
...is having a beekeeper's convention.
They all are?
Thank you very much.
- Well?
LYNN: Nothing.
We went to the police to see if there'd been a report.
But, you know, aside from a pig
falling off of a U-Haul trailer...	U-Haul is an American moving equipment and storage rental company
...and an inordinate number of bee stings...	inordinate = much more than you would usually expect: used for emphasizing how large something is or how much of something there is
...it's really been quite a quiet night.
[BRAKES SQUEALING,
THEN CAR CRASHES]
ALF!
ALF! ALF, are you okay?
Don't worry, I'm fine.
But this phone is a piece of junk.
I'm gonna call Joel just as soon
as he gets back from the Springs.
Forget the phone, forget Joel.
You've just crashed into our garage.
For the second time,
I might point out!	point out = to tell someone something
I'm sorry, Willie, I really am.
I think I might need glasses.
Glasses?
I think you might need a lawyer.
Now, Willie, calm down.
May I just say to you...
...I think it's
very irresponsible of you...
...to take the car out
on the road like this...
...to endanger your life
and the lives of others...
...and to make us worry.
And this sort of thing
seems to be repeating itself...
...over and over again.
There have been some fun times.
Tell him, Kate.
There have been some fun times,
ALF, a lot of fun times.
But this isn't one of them.
Look at what you've done.
All right, all right, calm down.
Don't worry about it, Willie.
I'll pay for it.
And how do you propose to do that?
Well, I'll call Joel tomorrow,
I'll sell the car...
...and we'll use the money
to fix the garage.
You'll do that? You'll call Joel?
Well, actually,
it'll be Joel's assistant...
...because as I have mentioned,
Joel is in the Springs.
- That sounds fair, doesn't it, Willie?
- I suppose so.
I suppose it does, ALF.
I'm glad you weren't hurt.
Thanks.
Of course I'll want a complete physical
before I sign anything.
Just kidding, just kidding.
[PHONE RINGING]
Uh, that'll be Mrs. Ochmonek
about the hedge.	hedge = a line of bushes or small trees growing close together around a garden or field
- The hedge?
- I'll get it.
MAN:
Mr. Tanner!
Uh, that'll be the people across the street.
Does your insurance cover front porches?
I'll be right back. Don't leave town.
ALF, I don't think I can ever repay you
for what you've done.
[SIREN WAILING]
- What have you done?
- Well...
...I ran over a few front lawns...
...clipped a couple of jade trees.	jade tree or Crassula ovata, commonly known as jade plant, friendship tree, lucky plant, or money tree, is a succulent plant with small pink or white flowers
The rest is a blur.	The rest is a blur. =  not very clear in your mind: I remember a big house, but the rest of it is just a blur.
I'd better go see if I can help out.
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]
I think I'll turn in early tonight.
ALF:
Socket wrench.
Gasket.
Gum.
Say, I know you don't like me to ask...
...but what's going on here?
I'm getting the old crate in shape,
William.
- You're fixing my car?
- Hey, we have to save where we can.
Did I tell you the mango grove went under?
- You mean it went out of business?
- Nope, it went under.
What is a fault line, anyway?
Under the ground?
- Is that what Joel told you?
- I trust him.
I'm gonna ask him for the details
when he gets back from Paraguay.
Anyway, there you go.
- You're a one-car family again.
- Well, thanks.
- Ow!
- No!
[LAUGHS]
Just kidding, see?
Why do you do that to me?
Because it's funny, man.
WILLIE:
Mm-hm.
Say, where did you ever learn about fixing cars, anyway?
I used to watch Route 66.	Route 66 is an American television drama
You pick things up.	pick up = to learn a new skill or start a habit without intending to: She picked up a few German phrases while staying in Berlin.
WILLIE:
That's amazing.
I'll tell you what's more amazing.
That George Maharis never got another series.	George Maharis = is an American actor who portrayed Buz Murdock in the first three seasons of the TV series Route 66
Anyway, the car's purring like a kitten.
Which reminds me, I'm hungry.
ALF, I don't know what to say.
I don't know how to thank you for this.
No problem.
I think I'll just...
I'll think I'll just back up and take it out for a spin.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
WILLIE:
Whoa! No!
Crowbar.	crowbar = a metal bar with a curved end, used for forcing open heavy objects such as doors